Truth of the Matter

It has been a long couple of days.  This journey that I'm on is an emotional one and I don't think I could have ever prepared for everything i'm feeling on this recovery process.  Truth be told, I think the one feeling that I've felt the most is lonliness.  I can't believe how lonely this experience has been, and it makes me really miss my mom.  I feel like I don't have anyone to be here with me, to take care of me and to hold my hand.  Mom's do that for us, and she's not here, so i'm relying on friends.  Everyone around sends messages that they are thinking about me, and praying for me, but nothing really compares to those visits and the phone calls that help to make me not feel so alone.  Scott goes off to work each day, and I've spent the days alone.  Friday night, Scott went out with friends and didn't come home.  A friend came to visit for a couple hours and we had a great visit and a great cry.  But the overnight hours, I was alone.  There is nothing like trying to get myself up in the middle of the night when I have to go to the bathroom, and not having anyone here to help if I needed it.  Truth is, I can do it by myself, but what if anything happened?   He didn't come home until late this afternoon.  The nurse had already been in to change my dressings (which was a whole other emotional issue)  and we had a house full of kids playing when he got here.  He was tired from having been out, then grumpy because he had been drinking, and guess who took the brunt of the anger?  Me. 



My stuffed monkey from Trevor.
There for hugs, all the time.

 I had an argument today with a really good friend of mine, and I was really upset about it and it was really making me me sick, which at this point, isn't a good thing.  I was talking about how friends are supposed to be there for us and help us out when we need them.  It seems like when I need people most, they aren't there.  They have other plans, other commitments, other priorities.  I guess I just figured that going through something like this, people would be here for me.  We can see our friends anytime, but when friends are going through hard times, it's when we need them the most and i'd hope they could be there for us.  After the argument I decided that I wasn't backing down.  I'm going to learn it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to expect that friends will be there for us, to support us and love us, and to understand that sometimes things aren't fair.  

I'm exhausted, I'm emotional and I'm in a whole lot of pain, but I know that I've done this for a good reason. In some of my weak moments I ask the question "why I did this?".  I wonder if holding off on the surgery would have been a better idea.  I guess no time is a good time, but maybe I should have made sure I had more supports in place before I went through with it.  Truth of the matter, you can't go through this alone.  This whole decision, this whole process is very draining, both physically and mentally and if I can tell you one thing, don't ever try to do it alone.  Make sure those people around you, are commited to being your shoulder to cry on and hands to hold before you try and take on this surgery head on.