Until I got smaller

Well today was my first follow up appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I have been waiting for this day, since about the day after my surgery.  I went to London lastnight to visit with Terrie, and spent the night so I didn't have to get up early for the appointment.  I have not so hard in such a long time. I was in absolute tears we were having so much fun and laughing so hard.  We went to Dairy Queen and had a blizzard, and then went back to her house and did some Zumba.  I had to quit a little early because my arms were a little sore, but we had fun!  Oh the memories of high school! 

When I got to the hospital this morning, I was met by Nadia.  She is a research assistant helping Dr. Ross & Dr. Temple, two of the plastic surgeons.  I'm involved with this study they are conducting regarding "memory loss after a major reconstructive surgery"   There was earlier research that showed that people having cardiac surgery may have some memory loss, so they were doing the research with major reconstructive surgery.  Good news is, their theory is being proven wrong!   I did a test two weeks before my surgery, and then another test today.  I'll do another one at 3 months, 6 months and 1 year post surgery. I'm not really sure why they are testing the control group so close to surgery, because the more stressed you are, the more your memory doesn't function.  Now that my surgery is out of the way, I feel so much less stressed and can actually think a lot clearer.

The materials for tissue expander.  Thats saline
in those syringes.

I finally got called in about 9:45 (30 minutes waiting isn't too bad for this clinic.  I've waited 2 hours before).  The nurse came right in, and got things set up for the expansion. They were quite impressed it was my first follow up and I was feeling so good.  We talked for a few minutes, then she had me change and lay down.  Dr. Ross came in a few minutes later, and went through the whole process.  There is a metal piece on the expander and he uses a magnet to find the metal piece and them makes an X.  He then puts a needle into the metal plate (I have no feeling, so I don't feel any of it) and then injects the saline.  It's a weird feeling because you can feel the saline going in.  He injected 50cc's into the right side, but then decided that he was a little concerned that there was too much fluid sitting around the expander, and so he moved the needle, and then took out some fluid.  It was pretty gross, but I watched him do it. Needless to say, he put in 50cc's into the expander, but removed about 60cc's of fluid from around the expander, so I ended up with smaller boobs then when I went in!  Oh well, I go again next Wednesday, and hopefully then i'll see a change.  He said he can put in 75cc's at a time, so I will notice a difference each week. The process will take about 5 or 6 weeks, and then they wait a couple months before putting in the implants.  This could mean by the end of the summer, the process could be complete.  Then we talk about nipple reconstruction.

The magnet they use to find the metal in the
expander

The syringes after he removed the fluid

Immediately after the expansion

Mr.Monkey waiting patiently for the doctor

Find strength from within

Who would have thought just two weeks after surgery, i'd be feeling so good?  I don't think I ever could have imagined that i'd be out and about so quickly. The healing process has gone really well and I'm feeling really good.  I don't have any pain, it's more of a discomfort I'm feeling.  The left breast seems to be sitting really low, and is uncomfortable at the bottom.  The right breast seems to be pushing against my sternum and sometimes I get really sharp pains that last for just a few seconds, but it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope that I haven't done anything to shift them, and that it's normal what i'm feeling.  All of the bandages have now come off, and the steri strips came off yesterday.  The scar looks decent. It's a lot thinner than I thought it would be, the ends are a little thicker.  There seems to be a couple of stitches that need to be taken out, but I'll wait for my appointment with the doctor Monday.  If all goes well, that should be my first expansion day.  Then the fun begins!



Left side drooping. Right side is
into the sternum

 So during the last week, I've had a lot of time on my hands and i've done a lot of thinking.  It's funny that people use to always tell me how strong of a person I was, and that I could get through anything, and I'd listen to them say it, and never really truthfully believed them or really understood what they meant.  Yesterday, when I removed the steri strips, I looked in the mirror at the scars, and for the first time ever, I was able to say "Bevin, you are strong."  For me, that was a huge accomplishment.   I have scars all over my body, and as Matt said today "Scars tell stories" and I have a lot of stories to tell, but those stories have made me who I am.  They say that God only gives us what he knows we can handle, and apparently he has some belief that I can handle an awful lot.

St.Clair River

Sunday was Mother's Day, and like every year, it was a very hard day.  I got up in the morning, and went to church and the song selection that day, was nothing other than two of my favourite church songs that remind me of my mom, "On Eagles Wings" & "Amazing Grace."  At one point in the service, I started to cry.  Like literally the tears just started rolling, and for no good reason at all. I think I realized something that morning in church, and i'll come back to it after.  After church I came home, and picked up my little neighbor Aaliyah.  Every year for Mother's Day, I get the kids together, and do a craft of some sort for their mom.  Two years ago we made her a stepping stone for her garden, and last year we made cookies.  I sat in church this year and thought "wow, I completely forgot about the Mother's Day craft"  Must have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks.  Either way, I knew I couldn't let a Mother's Day pass by without doing something for their mom.  Aaliyah and I drove down the river to Riverhouse Gifts, a store that a former coworker of mine owns.  She put together a basket of goodies for us. Watching her shrink wrap the basket was probably the most exciting part of the day.  We stopped at the water on the way home.  I've never really had a way of honoring my mom on Mother's Day and then the other day a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting a flower in the water. When my mom died, we cremated her, and her ashes were scattered at the base of the lighthouse at Lighthouse Point in Connecticut, she loved the ocean.   Aaliyah and I walked to the waters edge and threw in the flower.  She saw the tears in my eyes, but didn't really say too much.  We just watched the flower float away for a little while, and then we walked away. When I got back home, Scott was still sleeping, and I sat down and texted to a friend.

 I wrote "I need a sledge hammer and something to hit...HARD.  I realized being at church this morning that I have so much anger inside of me about so many things.  I hate that my life has been so unfair... and now to deal with it" And in saying that, I felt such a sense of relief.  The first step to healing is admitting what is wrong.  I think for a long time I have just been angry about so many things, and I've never let myself deal with it.  You bandage wounds by putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Life hasn't dealt me the greatest hand of cards, but i've pulled myself along.  And going through this surgery, I was able to say "You know what God, you created me with this gene, to make me who I am, but i'm not going to let it take me.  I'm sticking up for me this time, and I hope that we can still be friends"  I'm a previvor, I underwent this surgery to make my life better.  So that I have a chance at living a long, healthy life and can be the best wife, the best mom, and the best friend that I can be.  I have found my inner strength, I know what I want in my life!

Heading out for a rollerblade

The rest of Mother's Day we spent at Scott's parents in Ridgetown.  It was great to feel the warm sun.  I went rollerblading & bike riding and just had a great afternoon in the fresh air.  I'm finally smiling now, and it feels so great! 

I did it!

**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**

This morning I woke up, after not sleeping very much and I decided that I needed to shower.  The nurse told me that it was okay, as long as I was able to put the dressings back on.  It's amazing the little things that are difficult to do after this surgery, but I knew I could do it.  I got myself undressed, got the shower running (which trying to pull the tap was probably the most difficult part) and finally was able to take a shower. It felt so good.  While I was in the shower, I had to brave the inevitable and remove the dressings that were on there.  It hurts a lot less when they are wet.  For the first time in a week, I saw the scars.  They are stitched, and there are steri strips holding them together, but really, they aren't too bad.  It was nice to clean the wounds.  When I got out of the shower, I could look in the mirror and get a good look at them.  A little shocking I guess, but not too bad.  I could actually feel them for the first time too.  That was weird!  The expanders are in, and they feel really weird.  Nothing like feeling plastic inside your boob.  One side seems to look different than the other, but the doctor did tell me to remember they are sisters, not twins.  I think that I'm okay with how they look.  Once the expansion process starts, they will change again.  The scars will heal.  I was able to wash my hair, dry it, and get myself dressed.  What a great feeling!

First time with bandages off.  Rt side is swollen
Lt side is normal.  The left expander is hanging a little



The Rt side with drain site bandage

 I have started to do a lot of online research since my surgery.  I guess I have the time now that I'm limited in what I can do.  I have found a lot of support groups online for women who carry BRCA genes & women who have gone through PBM's.  It really makes me feel good to read about other women in this same situation.  There is actually a term that they use to describe people that are at risk of cancer due to genetic dispositions called previvors.  It's interesting they have a term for it, but I guess it makes people feel they have a term.  Ironically before this week, i've never heard the term.  I also found a group called Force: Facing Our Risk thats in the US and they are all about hereditary breast & ovarian cancers.  I was very pleased to read their website and get a whole lot of great information.  I emailed the volunteer contact about setting up a group in Canada.  If I can share my story with other women, and can raise money for this organization, i'd feel like I was doing my part.  The link to the website is facingourrisk.org.  

My first day out

**WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT**

So the annoying drains that they put in after the mastectomy surgery came out yesterday, just five days after surgery.  The doctor's requisition said under 30 cc's or 5 days.  I was definately not at under 30 cc's, so I was happy he put in the 5 day mark.  A women I know, that has just undergone a mastectomy because she has been battling breast cancer, came and sat with me while the nurse removed the drains.  I'll be honest, it hurt like HELL!  Thank goodness the pain only lasts for a few seconds.   It was a very intense, burning/stinging kinda feeling.  Once the first one was out, I thought, oh damn, there is still another one!   But aside from the pain, those things were annoying and I'm so happy they are around.  The nurse bandaged up the holes where the drains were, and said she would return today to clean them up.  Well, apparently I heal very quickly and she was rather surprised that there wasn't any drainage that had leaked out, and the holes were already closed!  She called me the "super healer chick," which I thought was rather funny.  I guess my body is just ready for all of this right now.  I'm young, I'm healthy and I was mentally prepared for this surgery.

Hemovac drains

When the nurse was here today, she also changed the dressings from the breasts.  I've been very nervous to see them, and when I saw them, I kinda gasped. She kept saying they looked really tidy, but honestly, there is a huge line across my boob, that is being held together with steri strips and stitches and it looks a little ridiculous.  I'm quite content just keeping the bandages over them for the time being until they heal more.  I'm sure once the stitches come out, and it's cleaned up more, I'll be okay with it.  I'll take pictures and post them tomorrow when I finally get to take a shower.



The end of the hemovac hurts
the most when its being removed

 Good news though, I was able to get out in my car today and go for a drive!  Who would have ever thought that six days after surgery, I would be out driving?  I went to visit my coworkers, had lunch with a friend, and then came home.  My dad came to visit this afternoon and took me for dinner at the Olive Garden, my favorite.  I was almost ready to cancel on my dad because I was just so exhausted from the morning out, but I'm glad I went.  Tonight i'm feeling rather tired, and my body is really achy.  For a short while, I felt like I had a bit of a bug.  But I think it's just my body reminding me that I've just undergone major surgery and I need to rest.  Tomorrow I just plan to stay home, and relax.  I'm hoping for some sun at least, because all of the rain we have had, has been rather depressing.

They say that when you are put under and anasthetic, it sometimes makes changes to your body.  A lot of people talk about how their hair feels gross, or their cycles change, or whatever.  Honestly, I can say that I haven't had any of these things happen at all.  My hair was just fine, and my cycle still remained clockwork (maybe thats the reason i'm not feeling so well today).  I really had a great doctor for this surgery, and he knew what he was doing. 

One cool thing that I can share with women who are planning to have PBM's is something called a Breast Binder.  I had never heard of them before my surgery, and when I woke up I was wearing one.  When you come out of surgery, they will wrap your chest very tightly with a bandage or whatever.  This pressure that is on your chest, saves you from lots of pain.  In fact, when the nurse tries to remove the pressure, it hurts really bad.   I woke up wearing this thing called a breast binder, and I can highly recommend that you ask for one.  It looks like a tube top.  Mine is blue and has flowers on it.  It has velcro in the front of it to do it up. It was specifically designed by a breast surgeon, and what is so fantastic about it, is that I can wear it around and it just looks like i'm wearing a shirt.  It even came with straps so I can make it a tank top, rather than a tube top.  I've talked to a lot of women who have had this surgery, and none of them have used the breast binder before, but admit it would have been nice.  Saves you from being wrapped in bandages.  The website for the company that makes them is http://www.eabmedical.com/ and they are based out of California.  It might be wise to ask your surgeon if they have them before your surgery, and if you would benefit from one.  It's just a nicer, more appealing dressing then gauze. I've asked around here, and no one seems to carry them.  I might try and get some for the hospitals in our area, because they are so great!