Find strength from within

Who would have thought just two weeks after surgery, i'd be feeling so good?  I don't think I ever could have imagined that i'd be out and about so quickly. The healing process has gone really well and I'm feeling really good.  I don't have any pain, it's more of a discomfort I'm feeling.  The left breast seems to be sitting really low, and is uncomfortable at the bottom.  The right breast seems to be pushing against my sternum and sometimes I get really sharp pains that last for just a few seconds, but it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope that I haven't done anything to shift them, and that it's normal what i'm feeling.  All of the bandages have now come off, and the steri strips came off yesterday.  The scar looks decent. It's a lot thinner than I thought it would be, the ends are a little thicker.  There seems to be a couple of stitches that need to be taken out, but I'll wait for my appointment with the doctor Monday.  If all goes well, that should be my first expansion day.  Then the fun begins!



Left side drooping. Right side is
into the sternum

 So during the last week, I've had a lot of time on my hands and i've done a lot of thinking.  It's funny that people use to always tell me how strong of a person I was, and that I could get through anything, and I'd listen to them say it, and never really truthfully believed them or really understood what they meant.  Yesterday, when I removed the steri strips, I looked in the mirror at the scars, and for the first time ever, I was able to say "Bevin, you are strong."  For me, that was a huge accomplishment.   I have scars all over my body, and as Matt said today "Scars tell stories" and I have a lot of stories to tell, but those stories have made me who I am.  They say that God only gives us what he knows we can handle, and apparently he has some belief that I can handle an awful lot.

St.Clair River

Sunday was Mother's Day, and like every year, it was a very hard day.  I got up in the morning, and went to church and the song selection that day, was nothing other than two of my favourite church songs that remind me of my mom, "On Eagles Wings" & "Amazing Grace."  At one point in the service, I started to cry.  Like literally the tears just started rolling, and for no good reason at all. I think I realized something that morning in church, and i'll come back to it after.  After church I came home, and picked up my little neighbor Aaliyah.  Every year for Mother's Day, I get the kids together, and do a craft of some sort for their mom.  Two years ago we made her a stepping stone for her garden, and last year we made cookies.  I sat in church this year and thought "wow, I completely forgot about the Mother's Day craft"  Must have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks.  Either way, I knew I couldn't let a Mother's Day pass by without doing something for their mom.  Aaliyah and I drove down the river to Riverhouse Gifts, a store that a former coworker of mine owns.  She put together a basket of goodies for us. Watching her shrink wrap the basket was probably the most exciting part of the day.  We stopped at the water on the way home.  I've never really had a way of honoring my mom on Mother's Day and then the other day a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting a flower in the water. When my mom died, we cremated her, and her ashes were scattered at the base of the lighthouse at Lighthouse Point in Connecticut, she loved the ocean.   Aaliyah and I walked to the waters edge and threw in the flower.  She saw the tears in my eyes, but didn't really say too much.  We just watched the flower float away for a little while, and then we walked away. When I got back home, Scott was still sleeping, and I sat down and texted to a friend.

 I wrote "I need a sledge hammer and something to hit...HARD.  I realized being at church this morning that I have so much anger inside of me about so many things.  I hate that my life has been so unfair... and now to deal with it" And in saying that, I felt such a sense of relief.  The first step to healing is admitting what is wrong.  I think for a long time I have just been angry about so many things, and I've never let myself deal with it.  You bandage wounds by putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Life hasn't dealt me the greatest hand of cards, but i've pulled myself along.  And going through this surgery, I was able to say "You know what God, you created me with this gene, to make me who I am, but i'm not going to let it take me.  I'm sticking up for me this time, and I hope that we can still be friends"  I'm a previvor, I underwent this surgery to make my life better.  So that I have a chance at living a long, healthy life and can be the best wife, the best mom, and the best friend that I can be.  I have found my inner strength, I know what I want in my life!

Heading out for a rollerblade

The rest of Mother's Day we spent at Scott's parents in Ridgetown.  It was great to feel the warm sun.  I went rollerblading & bike riding and just had a great afternoon in the fresh air.  I'm finally smiling now, and it feels so great!