Truth of the Matter

It has been a long couple of days.  This journey that I'm on is an emotional one and I don't think I could have ever prepared for everything i'm feeling on this recovery process.  Truth be told, I think the one feeling that I've felt the most is lonliness.  I can't believe how lonely this experience has been, and it makes me really miss my mom.  I feel like I don't have anyone to be here with me, to take care of me and to hold my hand.  Mom's do that for us, and she's not here, so i'm relying on friends.  Everyone around sends messages that they are thinking about me, and praying for me, but nothing really compares to those visits and the phone calls that help to make me not feel so alone.  Scott goes off to work each day, and I've spent the days alone.  Friday night, Scott went out with friends and didn't come home.  A friend came to visit for a couple hours and we had a great visit and a great cry.  But the overnight hours, I was alone.  There is nothing like trying to get myself up in the middle of the night when I have to go to the bathroom, and not having anyone here to help if I needed it.  Truth is, I can do it by myself, but what if anything happened?   He didn't come home until late this afternoon.  The nurse had already been in to change my dressings (which was a whole other emotional issue)  and we had a house full of kids playing when he got here.  He was tired from having been out, then grumpy because he had been drinking, and guess who took the brunt of the anger?  Me. 



My stuffed monkey from Trevor.
There for hugs, all the time.

 I had an argument today with a really good friend of mine, and I was really upset about it and it was really making me me sick, which at this point, isn't a good thing.  I was talking about how friends are supposed to be there for us and help us out when we need them.  It seems like when I need people most, they aren't there.  They have other plans, other commitments, other priorities.  I guess I just figured that going through something like this, people would be here for me.  We can see our friends anytime, but when friends are going through hard times, it's when we need them the most and i'd hope they could be there for us.  After the argument I decided that I wasn't backing down.  I'm going to learn it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to expect that friends will be there for us, to support us and love us, and to understand that sometimes things aren't fair.  

I'm exhausted, I'm emotional and I'm in a whole lot of pain, but I know that I've done this for a good reason. In some of my weak moments I ask the question "why I did this?".  I wonder if holding off on the surgery would have been a better idea.  I guess no time is a good time, but maybe I should have made sure I had more supports in place before I went through with it.  Truth of the matter, you can't go through this alone.  This whole decision, this whole process is very draining, both physically and mentally and if I can tell you one thing, don't ever try to do it alone.  Make sure those people around you, are commited to being your shoulder to cry on and hands to hold before you try and take on this surgery head on.

Surgery went well

Justin, Dad, Me & Leah

Brooke & Me

Well, i'm alive.  The surgery went really well and i'm home recovering now. Honestly, I thought I would be in a lot more pain after such a surgery, but i'm not really.  The drain sites are starting to get really itchy, and I can't wait for the nurse to get here to change the dressing.  I'm really hoping she will be able to take the drains out today or tomorrow because they are rather annoying.  Otherwise, the expanders are a little uncomfortable feeling, but I can't complain because I thought it would be a whole lot worse.

Siblings. Justin, Me & Leah

My surgery was at 9am yesterday, and they were right on time.  The breast surgeon is actually on maternity leave right now, but came in to do my surgery.  It was the first time I actually heard the plastic surgeon laugh.  He is a pretty monotone guy, but when I said to him before the surgery "don't ruin me" he actually laughed and said he would take good care of me.  So far things look good.  It's really weird looking down and it's just flat, but there is a little bit of a bump there.  Right now it's all bandaged up, so I'll be able to tell more when they come off in a few days.   The darn nurse who put in my IV really killed my hand.  Thankfully, they noticed it wasn't in right, so they moved it while I was in surgery.  I've had IV's before and I knew it wasn't supposed to hurt that bad.  Honestly, it was probably the most painful thing all day.   I woke up from surgery at about 12 noon, and apparently was in a lot of pain.  Apparently asking for friends was more important to me then drinking apple juice. They gave me more morphine and I went back off to sleep.  I guess I was pretty agitated and distressed, but after I woke up more, I was feeling fine.  They were quite impressed that I didn't need more pain medicine.  Actually I've done pretty well with pain control.  It's more discomfort that i'm feeling than anything else. When I move certain ways, I can feel the expanders inside me, and that's a little akward.  I'm quite impressed though that I can lift my hands over my head and pull myself up.  I'm not able to lay down flat, but I knew going into the surgery that I wouldn't be able to do that for a little while.  I'm sleeping at night in a lazy boy chair, and even though it's not overly comfortable, I'm managing. 

Leah, Scott, Justin, Brooke and I. Right
after surgery

My mom's friend Pat came and stayed with me for the day today.  She was such a great help.  We had a great chat and she was so wonderful and made dinner for us tonight. The nurse was in today to change my dressings and she was actually really pleased with the look of the wounds.  She said she has never seen a mastectomy that wasn't bruised at all, and there is absolutely no swelling.  The doctor did a great job.  I go back to see the surgeon on May 17th to start the expansion process.  I don't think the whole emotional side of this surgery has really hit me yet, and I know that is probably still to come.  I've had a lot of emails from friends and family who are praying for me, and sending positive thoughts, so that helps to make me feel better.  And my former coworkers at the radio station sent me a huge fruit basket today, which was a wonderful surprise.   Time for some rest now, it's been a long day.

Day 1. Drains are in. Breast Binder
still on. 

I am ready

Well, tomorrow is the big day.  I think I can talk myself through all of this in my head and yet, still there is a part of me that is scared.  I'm not really even sure what I'm scared about, but something in the pit of my stomach just isn't right.   I'll wake up tomorrow, after surgery and that feeling will be gone.  I can't wait for the thought of "I never have to worry about breast cancer again".   I'm sure when I wake up from the surgery, i'll be thinking a whole lot different than that, more along the lines of wholy crap, i'm in pain!    But I can fight this pain. I have made this decision in my life, to say to myself and others, we can do something about breast cancer.  As scared as I am, I know that my mom will be with me and I will get through this. 

I have a whole long list of things to do today for "Bevin." To be physically prepared, mentally prepared and emotionally prepared for this huge journey I'm about to take. And hey, the other side of the surgery won't be so bad.  How many women get to choose their breast size?

As quoted by a dear friend of mine "Look forward not back, don't ever second guess why you are doing this"

I am strong, I am brave, I am ready.

Got my pink pillows

Today I went for my pre operative appointment at the hospital, and I think that reality has set in.  The surgery is fast approaching, and I'm starting to get scared, really scared.  I've always been so brave in talking about this surgery, and now that it's approaching, I'm so nervous about it.   The nurse was really helpful in answering all my questions and she reassured me that I would be just fine.  The first few days after surgery are going to be tough.  She was honest in saying that this procedure is really painful, especially since they will putting in expanders at the time of surgery.  The expanders are a little akward and uncomfortable, but I will get use to them.  Every week i'll see the plastic surgeon and he will inject more saline into them to stretch the skin. Eventually the expanders will be removed and implants will be put in.   Apparently for the first few weeks after surgery, I won't be able to lift my arms over my head and i'll be forced to wear button up shirts.  PJ's here I come!   They gave me a couple of pink pillows today that sit under my arms to keep me comfortable.  The pillows are so soft!   They also gave me some bags to carry the drains in, so they don't hang down!  The drains will stay in for five days post surgery and then will be removed.  I've convinced myself that I need to be healed and ready to go a week after surgery, I don't do well staying indoors and not doing anything... plus, I hate soap operas and talk shows only tell us about the crazy people in the world.  Hopefully I'll be strong, and will heal quickly.  I finished work on Friday, so I'm off until the healing is done, and I'm ready to find work again.   Maybe while I'm off, i'll figure out what I really want to do with my life and where I want life to take me.  Either way, the surgery is just 2 weeks away, and I'm not backing down.  I've gotta be brave, strong and put trust in those people around me, friends and family who will help me to get through this!