A much delayed update

Wow! so much has happened since I last wrote anything on this blog, but I thought for my own sake, I needed to write in an update about everything.  Life sure has changed since my surgery, but I'd have to say definately for better.  As most people know, my marriage broke down a couple of months after my surgery.  I can't say that the surgery caused the breakdown, but it definately didn't help it either.  People have their own ways of dealing with things, and sometimes it makes things difficult.  Anyways, Scott has been out of my life now for well over a year and a half, and damn it feels good.  I could probably now write a whole blog about unhealthy relationships, emotional abuse and idiot ex husbands, but instead i'll focus on the positive.  In September of 2011, I had my implants put in.  In October of 2011, I found out I was expecting. What?!  Three weeks after my surgery and I was apparently pregnant.  You know, I have to laugh about this one because when most women who undergo surgery are barely walking three weeks after surgery, and I apparently got got myself pregnant.  Well, not myself, but you know what I mean. On July 11, 2012 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Alora Marie.  She is named after my Mom, Jacqueline Marie.  Her Dad ,Trevor and I had been really close friends for a while, and now we have a baby together.  I haven't said this too often in my life, but having Trevor & Alora in my life really is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Trevor is such a wonderful person and he has taught me what it means to be happy in life.  He cares about me a lot, and is always there for me.  He is an amazing Dad and loves our little girl so much.  Having a baby was not in the plans for either of us in our lives right now, but we've managed and I think it's been great for us both.  Alora is a wonderful little girl and she is definately the daughter I always hoped I'd have someday.  Having had the surgery, I was not able to breast feed.  Before my surgery, that was one of the things I had to make the decision about, knowing I would not be able to breast feed my children.  When I got pregnant, I think a small part of me felt sad knowing I couldn't feed my child, but it only bothered me for a short time and then I realized that although I can't feed my child from my breasts, I will be able to watch my daughter grow up, get married and have children of her own, something I didn't have my own Mom around to see.  I saw the plastic surgeon a couple of weeks ago, and I had Alora with me at the appointment.  I sat there waiting for the doctor, and I fed her with her bottle.  I looked around the room and thought about all of the many times that I had been there, and about my surgery, and I hugged Alora tight and knew that I had made the best decision. 



Feeding my daughter from a bottle means I will be there to watch her grow up!



Implants are in!

I'm sitting here, writing this blog, and I've got two bags attached to my pants with safety pins, holding my drains.  I've got my favorite comfty hoodie on and Victoria Banks' song, "Someone Does" is playing in the background.  And all I can say is, it's done!  The implants are in, the scars are healing, and as soon as these darn drains are removed, the pain will subside.  I had my exchange surgery done on Friday September 23rd, and it was a success.  Other than feeling pretty wiped out from the anesthetic, and a little discomfort, I made it through, it's over.  And now life can go. I have had a few very low moments in the last few days, but I'm managing.  It's been hard to go through this surgery again, alone.  I miss my mom so much at these times.  Scott took me to my surgery on Friday, and then has been here daily checking in on things and bringing things I need.  It's hard to not have him here all the time to help, but that's the reality of separation.  The timing sucked, but those things happen. My neighbors have been a huge help, always checking in to see if I need anything.  The neighbor kids all came over on Saturday for a visit, and I really appreciated it.  Most of the time, I just sit and watch DVD's or chat with friends on Facebook.  The first few days it was so painful to get out of the chair, but I'm feeling more mobile now.  Yesterday I went up to the post office, and to the library, but was exhausted when I came back.  Three anesthetics in four months, I don't think my body is adjusting well.  I've had a few friends stop by, checking in and bringing me treats.  I'm not very entertaining right now, but I appreciate just having them here to sit with me.  Sometimes cry with me.  People have said I've been so negative lately, and not really looking on the positive side of what I did.  I'm sorry that people have felt that way, but Bevin doesn't ask for help very much, and I think that my negativity this time, was a cry for help. Taking care of myself when I'm in pain & not having any family close by, it's been hard...really hard!  I have been seeing a counsellor in London and thankfully she has called everyday to check in, and to chat with me.  We set goals each day, even if they are just small, of things I need to accomplish, and how I'm going to move forward from here.  It's great just having someone to talk to about everything, and have things make sense.

Today is Previvor Day and I am a previvor.  I have a predisposition to a hereditary or genetic link to Cancer.  There is a day to celebrate this, to share our stories with other people who carry this gene and to teach the general population about Cancer genetics.  When I started out with this surgery, I wasn't doing it just for me.  I wanted to know that I would be helping someone else, be it my family, my friends or a complete stranger who had a family history of breast cancer and wanted to learn more about genetics.  And as I read the comments and posts now, I think that I have accomplished what I set out to do, and I hope that I can share my story with many more people, and help change their lives too.

My friend Cheryl, who I met through FORCE, recently gave me a brochure for a program based in Florida called ICARE Inherited Cancer Registry.  It is a registry developed for individuals interested in taking part in studies on inherited cancers.  Basically I just filled out a questionaire, sent them a copy of my genetic test results and a family tree and if they need more information, they will contact me.  It's a database for research, and I was so happy to hear about it.  If my mutated gene, can help with research to save another persons life, then it's all worth it.  If anyone wants more information about ICARE check out their website at ICARE@moffitt.org

Time to get on with my day.  I'm hoping the nurse is coming today to take out my drains, but that depends if they are ready to come out or not.  I can't wait to have a shower!

It's been a while. Time for an update

What can I say?  I've been lazy and haven't kept up with this blog.  But I've had some people wondering lately how things are going, so I decided to take some time today and catch everyone up with what's been going on.  Oh life... I can't even begin to tell you how crazy the last few months have been.  Physically, i'm doing really well.  After the surgery, June 3rd, to deal with an infection on the right breast, everything went smoothly.  Although I was lopsided for a little bit before they could catch the expansions up, everything is evened up now.  I currently have 500 cc's in each breast.  The implants will be about 450 cc's, but they have to stretch the skin further than the expansion.  I went to see Dr.Ross last week to talk to him about the final surgery, scheduled for Friday September 23rd.  To be quite honest, we didn't even talk much about the surgery, all I basically said was "please just make my boobs look nice"  and that was it.  The rest of the time at the appointment was spent talking to nurses, nurse practitioners, & social workers about the rest of the stuff going on in my life.

When I first started this blog, I wrote something about being "happily married."  Well, all these months later, and Scott & I are separated.  It's hard to say when things went wrong, but people just handle things differently, and well, eventually we decide we need emotional support.   Five years ago when I learned of my BRCA2 diganosis, Scott was not there with me.  I saw surgeons & specialists all through the years, had multiple tests done and never once did he offer to come with me.   I remember sitting there in the waiting room, watching all the woman with their spouses/partners and thinking I was so strong to be there alone.  But inside I wanted so bad for him to be there.  On the occasion he did offer to come, there was always some complaint about having to take time off work, or driving the car to London and it was just easier to go alone, and not listen to the complaints.  I have been strong for myself and others for so long, and for once, I wanted someone to be strong for me.  I went through this surgery to give myself a chance at a longer life.  Not just for myself, but for my family.  For my husband, and for our future children. For the first time, Bevin was doing something for me, and yet, it was still for others.  That's just who I am.  I've learned a lot going through all of this though, and i'm still learning about the person I want to be.

I'm working at starting a group in Canada called FORCE (Facing our risk of Cancer empowered).  It's for women who are at a predisposition to Cancer because of a hereditary or genetic link.  I found the group after my first surgery when I was looking to find women to talk to, and now I'm going to start the group in Sarnia to meet other women going through the same thing.  I met with the breast cancer society last week, and they are going to provide the space for our meetings.  The first meeting will be held on October 26th, to teach people a little bit about Cancer genetics and share my story.  From there, it will be a support group for women who are BRCA carriers and we can share all of our stories.  I'm so excited to start the group and to meet other people that have gone through this same journey or who are considering this surgery.  It is in times that I am at my weakest that I am strongest for others, and I really hope that sharing my story and starting this group, empowers other women to learn about genetic risk factors.

Buckingham Fountain, Chicago

Although I've been really stressed out with everything going on, I have had a really fun summer.  I worked with Blackburn Radio again as a Summer Patroller, saw some Tiger games with my buddy Trevor & even caught a Chicago Cubs game in Chicago. I've made some great memories this summer with some great friends and now skating season is starting up again.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to do synchro this year because I just don't have the money, and the weekly trips to Chatham add up, but i'm back in Mooretown coaching.   Once my surgery is over, and I am healthy again, i'm going to start looking for full time work.  At this point, I really have nothing keeping me in Sarnia, so i've been looking everywhere for jobs.  Considering I have dual citizenship, I can also go work in the USA. Really my options are endless, so we will see where I end up.  I've got a whole life to live now, and having done this surgery, I am hoping I've given myself even a longer chance at life.

Johnny, Matt & I on Summer Patrol

I don't regret doing this surgery for anything, it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself.  Yes the timing of it all wasn't right, but then again, a Cancer diagnosis at any time wouldn't be good either.  I'm proud of myself for what I did, and I can't look back.  And I'll use this phrase to end this blog entry, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."

My buddy Trevor & I at a Detroit Tigers Game.

Everyone needs a friend like him

In for another surgery....

**Graphic Content Warning**

So I'm just sitting here realizing that it has been a very long time since I last posted a blog.  I have just been so busy and haven't taken the time to sit down and write.  I actually had to have a second surgery yesterday because of an infection in my right breast.  The doctor isn't sure why it happened, especially a month post surgery, but it did, and when the antibiotics weren't working, he decided he needed to go in and figure out the problem. He decided this on Thursday morning, and booked the surgery for Friday morning.  I was really upset though, because I really didn't want to go back into surgery, and it meant they had to postpone someone else's surgery in order to accomodate me.  I remember how upset I was when they postponed my surgery the first time, so it made me feel terrible.  Either way, the doctor felt it was important enough to do it, and now that it's all over, i'm kinda happy he did it.

Last Sunday afternoon I started feeling really crappy.  I was shivering and shaking and really achy and I just knew something wasn't right.  I had been outside all afternoon with the neighbor kids, so I thought maybe I was just exhausted from that.  I woke up Monday morning and still didn't feel very good and the fever hadn't subsided.  I had to work at the radio Monday because it was Memorial Day, so I took some tylenol and went on my way.  I started to feel a bit better, and by Monday night, I was feeling better.  But the right breast wasn't looking right.  It was really red, really puffy, and way more achy then it had been.   I had an appointment scheduled with Dr.Ross Tuesday morning, so I just waited to see him.  As soon as he came in the room and saw it, he knew there was a problem.   He decided to still proceed with expanding the left breast, and then he starting removing fluid from around the expander on the right breast.  One of these days i'll have pictures to post to show how they do it, because it's pretty cool.   He wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and booked another appointment for the next day.  When I went back on Wednesday, the infection still hadn't subsided, and the fluid had built back up again.  This time the doctor decided to put a needle into the bottom of the breast to try to remove fluid.  Heres the thing, when he puts the needle in at the top, I have no feeling there from the surgery. But when puts the needle in at the bottom, where I have feeling, it hurts.  I don't think I've EVER screamed so loud in my entire life!  Thank God it only lasted a couple of minutes but it seemed like forever. He booked me to see him again on Thursday morning. The nurses in the clinic all know me by name now, and ironically, I know one of the secretaries sisters who is at the clinic as well.  When I would get to my appointments, they would page Dr.Ross to tell him I was there.  Apparently Dr.Ross is the "Mc Dreamy" around that clinic.  I'm not too sure why, he's not really anything special, and aside from that, he's old!   When I saw him again on Thursday, that's when he decided that things weren't healing up, and that I was going to need surgery.  He said the next place he would be seeing me was the OR in the morning.  Not what I wanted to hear!  But I guess it was for the best.  Considering last night I was able to get to the pharmacy, the bank & still go for pizza on the patio with friends (I didn't drive of course (thanks Trevor)), the surgery wasn't too bad.  I had a good sleep lastnight, (back to my chair again for a few days) and i'm sure i'll nap a lot today, but otherwise feeling good. The nurse will be in shortly to look at my dressings. I hate that I have to have a nurse though because i'm pretty independent and could probably do it all myself.  I will be calling my neighbor later to come wash my hair for me, since showering isn't possible while this drain is in. I've also had a friend offer to drive me to London on Monday for my follow up appointment.  The biggest annoyance with this drain is not being able to drive. Thank goodness for great friends!

So other then this minor setback of the infection, I really have no other complaints about the surgery.  I've been able to be active, out jumping on my trampoline, rollerblading, enjoying Detroit Tiger games and hanging out with friends.  Some people have been telling me i'm way to active and I need to rest more, but the doctor disagreed.  He said he would rather see me doing what I could and staying healthy to help my body to heal.  I have been recommended not to be pushing, pulling or lifting heavy objects, but other than that, if it doesn't hurt, go ahead.  He said the infection wasn't caused by anything I would have done, just my body trying to fight something off and it didn't know what do to about the "foreign object."  I'm doing well, feeling good and really still being very positive about everything I went through.

I'm back working part time at the radio station this summer, which I absolutely love.  I'm bummed out that i can't work this weekend though, because I can't drive!  But I'll be ready to go for next week.  I guess technically if I had a ride, I could work, it's not like doing radio cut ins are physically demanding.  I guess the biggest issue i'd have would be trying to get prizes from the trunk, and trying to close the darn thing.  Actually, that has been one of my biggest challenges since having my surgery, trunks are just really heavy and not having much of a pectoral muscle, makes closing them, difficult.

In about three weeks from now, I'm heading to Maine for my mom's family reunion and I'm really excited about it.  It will be so great to see my family and to just enjoy a week of relaxtion.  We are going to Point Sebago Resort.  The drive will be really long, but we'll manage and it's a part of the US that i've never seen before.  It means so much to me to see my mom's family because they are what I have left of my mom.  The best part is, the ENTIRE family will be there (well minus my husband Scott because he has been double booked for a work trip too).



Having some fun at a Detroit Tiger game. Comerica Park. May 24, 2011. 




Big Bike 2011. No I wasn't riding the bike, just out taking pictures. It's
bitter sweet not working at the Heart and Stroke anymore.





Until I got smaller

Well today was my first follow up appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I have been waiting for this day, since about the day after my surgery.  I went to London lastnight to visit with Terrie, and spent the night so I didn't have to get up early for the appointment.  I have not so hard in such a long time. I was in absolute tears we were having so much fun and laughing so hard.  We went to Dairy Queen and had a blizzard, and then went back to her house and did some Zumba.  I had to quit a little early because my arms were a little sore, but we had fun!  Oh the memories of high school! 

When I got to the hospital this morning, I was met by Nadia.  She is a research assistant helping Dr. Ross & Dr. Temple, two of the plastic surgeons.  I'm involved with this study they are conducting regarding "memory loss after a major reconstructive surgery"   There was earlier research that showed that people having cardiac surgery may have some memory loss, so they were doing the research with major reconstructive surgery.  Good news is, their theory is being proven wrong!   I did a test two weeks before my surgery, and then another test today.  I'll do another one at 3 months, 6 months and 1 year post surgery. I'm not really sure why they are testing the control group so close to surgery, because the more stressed you are, the more your memory doesn't function.  Now that my surgery is out of the way, I feel so much less stressed and can actually think a lot clearer.

The materials for tissue expander.  Thats saline
in those syringes.

I finally got called in about 9:45 (30 minutes waiting isn't too bad for this clinic.  I've waited 2 hours before).  The nurse came right in, and got things set up for the expansion. They were quite impressed it was my first follow up and I was feeling so good.  We talked for a few minutes, then she had me change and lay down.  Dr. Ross came in a few minutes later, and went through the whole process.  There is a metal piece on the expander and he uses a magnet to find the metal piece and them makes an X.  He then puts a needle into the metal plate (I have no feeling, so I don't feel any of it) and then injects the saline.  It's a weird feeling because you can feel the saline going in.  He injected 50cc's into the right side, but then decided that he was a little concerned that there was too much fluid sitting around the expander, and so he moved the needle, and then took out some fluid.  It was pretty gross, but I watched him do it. Needless to say, he put in 50cc's into the expander, but removed about 60cc's of fluid from around the expander, so I ended up with smaller boobs then when I went in!  Oh well, I go again next Wednesday, and hopefully then i'll see a change.  He said he can put in 75cc's at a time, so I will notice a difference each week. The process will take about 5 or 6 weeks, and then they wait a couple months before putting in the implants.  This could mean by the end of the summer, the process could be complete.  Then we talk about nipple reconstruction.

The magnet they use to find the metal in the
expander

The syringes after he removed the fluid

Immediately after the expansion

Mr.Monkey waiting patiently for the doctor

Find strength from within

Who would have thought just two weeks after surgery, i'd be feeling so good?  I don't think I ever could have imagined that i'd be out and about so quickly. The healing process has gone really well and I'm feeling really good.  I don't have any pain, it's more of a discomfort I'm feeling.  The left breast seems to be sitting really low, and is uncomfortable at the bottom.  The right breast seems to be pushing against my sternum and sometimes I get really sharp pains that last for just a few seconds, but it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope that I haven't done anything to shift them, and that it's normal what i'm feeling.  All of the bandages have now come off, and the steri strips came off yesterday.  The scar looks decent. It's a lot thinner than I thought it would be, the ends are a little thicker.  There seems to be a couple of stitches that need to be taken out, but I'll wait for my appointment with the doctor Monday.  If all goes well, that should be my first expansion day.  Then the fun begins!



Left side drooping. Right side is
into the sternum

 So during the last week, I've had a lot of time on my hands and i've done a lot of thinking.  It's funny that people use to always tell me how strong of a person I was, and that I could get through anything, and I'd listen to them say it, and never really truthfully believed them or really understood what they meant.  Yesterday, when I removed the steri strips, I looked in the mirror at the scars, and for the first time ever, I was able to say "Bevin, you are strong."  For me, that was a huge accomplishment.   I have scars all over my body, and as Matt said today "Scars tell stories" and I have a lot of stories to tell, but those stories have made me who I am.  They say that God only gives us what he knows we can handle, and apparently he has some belief that I can handle an awful lot.

St.Clair River

Sunday was Mother's Day, and like every year, it was a very hard day.  I got up in the morning, and went to church and the song selection that day, was nothing other than two of my favourite church songs that remind me of my mom, "On Eagles Wings" & "Amazing Grace."  At one point in the service, I started to cry.  Like literally the tears just started rolling, and for no good reason at all. I think I realized something that morning in church, and i'll come back to it after.  After church I came home, and picked up my little neighbor Aaliyah.  Every year for Mother's Day, I get the kids together, and do a craft of some sort for their mom.  Two years ago we made her a stepping stone for her garden, and last year we made cookies.  I sat in church this year and thought "wow, I completely forgot about the Mother's Day craft"  Must have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks.  Either way, I knew I couldn't let a Mother's Day pass by without doing something for their mom.  Aaliyah and I drove down the river to Riverhouse Gifts, a store that a former coworker of mine owns.  She put together a basket of goodies for us. Watching her shrink wrap the basket was probably the most exciting part of the day.  We stopped at the water on the way home.  I've never really had a way of honoring my mom on Mother's Day and then the other day a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting a flower in the water. When my mom died, we cremated her, and her ashes were scattered at the base of the lighthouse at Lighthouse Point in Connecticut, she loved the ocean.   Aaliyah and I walked to the waters edge and threw in the flower.  She saw the tears in my eyes, but didn't really say too much.  We just watched the flower float away for a little while, and then we walked away. When I got back home, Scott was still sleeping, and I sat down and texted to a friend.

 I wrote "I need a sledge hammer and something to hit...HARD.  I realized being at church this morning that I have so much anger inside of me about so many things.  I hate that my life has been so unfair... and now to deal with it" And in saying that, I felt such a sense of relief.  The first step to healing is admitting what is wrong.  I think for a long time I have just been angry about so many things, and I've never let myself deal with it.  You bandage wounds by putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Life hasn't dealt me the greatest hand of cards, but i've pulled myself along.  And going through this surgery, I was able to say "You know what God, you created me with this gene, to make me who I am, but i'm not going to let it take me.  I'm sticking up for me this time, and I hope that we can still be friends"  I'm a previvor, I underwent this surgery to make my life better.  So that I have a chance at living a long, healthy life and can be the best wife, the best mom, and the best friend that I can be.  I have found my inner strength, I know what I want in my life!

Heading out for a rollerblade

The rest of Mother's Day we spent at Scott's parents in Ridgetown.  It was great to feel the warm sun.  I went rollerblading & bike riding and just had a great afternoon in the fresh air.  I'm finally smiling now, and it feels so great! 

I did it!

**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**

This morning I woke up, after not sleeping very much and I decided that I needed to shower.  The nurse told me that it was okay, as long as I was able to put the dressings back on.  It's amazing the little things that are difficult to do after this surgery, but I knew I could do it.  I got myself undressed, got the shower running (which trying to pull the tap was probably the most difficult part) and finally was able to take a shower. It felt so good.  While I was in the shower, I had to brave the inevitable and remove the dressings that were on there.  It hurts a lot less when they are wet.  For the first time in a week, I saw the scars.  They are stitched, and there are steri strips holding them together, but really, they aren't too bad.  It was nice to clean the wounds.  When I got out of the shower, I could look in the mirror and get a good look at them.  A little shocking I guess, but not too bad.  I could actually feel them for the first time too.  That was weird!  The expanders are in, and they feel really weird.  Nothing like feeling plastic inside your boob.  One side seems to look different than the other, but the doctor did tell me to remember they are sisters, not twins.  I think that I'm okay with how they look.  Once the expansion process starts, they will change again.  The scars will heal.  I was able to wash my hair, dry it, and get myself dressed.  What a great feeling!

First time with bandages off.  Rt side is swollen
Lt side is normal.  The left expander is hanging a little



The Rt side with drain site bandage

 I have started to do a lot of online research since my surgery.  I guess I have the time now that I'm limited in what I can do.  I have found a lot of support groups online for women who carry BRCA genes & women who have gone through PBM's.  It really makes me feel good to read about other women in this same situation.  There is actually a term that they use to describe people that are at risk of cancer due to genetic dispositions called previvors.  It's interesting they have a term for it, but I guess it makes people feel they have a term.  Ironically before this week, i've never heard the term.  I also found a group called Force: Facing Our Risk thats in the US and they are all about hereditary breast & ovarian cancers.  I was very pleased to read their website and get a whole lot of great information.  I emailed the volunteer contact about setting up a group in Canada.  If I can share my story with other women, and can raise money for this organization, i'd feel like I was doing my part.  The link to the website is facingourrisk.org.