In for another surgery....

**Graphic Content Warning**

So I'm just sitting here realizing that it has been a very long time since I last posted a blog.  I have just been so busy and haven't taken the time to sit down and write.  I actually had to have a second surgery yesterday because of an infection in my right breast.  The doctor isn't sure why it happened, especially a month post surgery, but it did, and when the antibiotics weren't working, he decided he needed to go in and figure out the problem. He decided this on Thursday morning, and booked the surgery for Friday morning.  I was really upset though, because I really didn't want to go back into surgery, and it meant they had to postpone someone else's surgery in order to accomodate me.  I remember how upset I was when they postponed my surgery the first time, so it made me feel terrible.  Either way, the doctor felt it was important enough to do it, and now that it's all over, i'm kinda happy he did it.

Last Sunday afternoon I started feeling really crappy.  I was shivering and shaking and really achy and I just knew something wasn't right.  I had been outside all afternoon with the neighbor kids, so I thought maybe I was just exhausted from that.  I woke up Monday morning and still didn't feel very good and the fever hadn't subsided.  I had to work at the radio Monday because it was Memorial Day, so I took some tylenol and went on my way.  I started to feel a bit better, and by Monday night, I was feeling better.  But the right breast wasn't looking right.  It was really red, really puffy, and way more achy then it had been.   I had an appointment scheduled with Dr.Ross Tuesday morning, so I just waited to see him.  As soon as he came in the room and saw it, he knew there was a problem.   He decided to still proceed with expanding the left breast, and then he starting removing fluid from around the expander on the right breast.  One of these days i'll have pictures to post to show how they do it, because it's pretty cool.   He wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and booked another appointment for the next day.  When I went back on Wednesday, the infection still hadn't subsided, and the fluid had built back up again.  This time the doctor decided to put a needle into the bottom of the breast to try to remove fluid.  Heres the thing, when he puts the needle in at the top, I have no feeling there from the surgery. But when puts the needle in at the bottom, where I have feeling, it hurts.  I don't think I've EVER screamed so loud in my entire life!  Thank God it only lasted a couple of minutes but it seemed like forever. He booked me to see him again on Thursday morning. The nurses in the clinic all know me by name now, and ironically, I know one of the secretaries sisters who is at the clinic as well.  When I would get to my appointments, they would page Dr.Ross to tell him I was there.  Apparently Dr.Ross is the "Mc Dreamy" around that clinic.  I'm not too sure why, he's not really anything special, and aside from that, he's old!   When I saw him again on Thursday, that's when he decided that things weren't healing up, and that I was going to need surgery.  He said the next place he would be seeing me was the OR in the morning.  Not what I wanted to hear!  But I guess it was for the best.  Considering last night I was able to get to the pharmacy, the bank & still go for pizza on the patio with friends (I didn't drive of course (thanks Trevor)), the surgery wasn't too bad.  I had a good sleep lastnight, (back to my chair again for a few days) and i'm sure i'll nap a lot today, but otherwise feeling good. The nurse will be in shortly to look at my dressings. I hate that I have to have a nurse though because i'm pretty independent and could probably do it all myself.  I will be calling my neighbor later to come wash my hair for me, since showering isn't possible while this drain is in. I've also had a friend offer to drive me to London on Monday for my follow up appointment.  The biggest annoyance with this drain is not being able to drive. Thank goodness for great friends!

So other then this minor setback of the infection, I really have no other complaints about the surgery.  I've been able to be active, out jumping on my trampoline, rollerblading, enjoying Detroit Tiger games and hanging out with friends.  Some people have been telling me i'm way to active and I need to rest more, but the doctor disagreed.  He said he would rather see me doing what I could and staying healthy to help my body to heal.  I have been recommended not to be pushing, pulling or lifting heavy objects, but other than that, if it doesn't hurt, go ahead.  He said the infection wasn't caused by anything I would have done, just my body trying to fight something off and it didn't know what do to about the "foreign object."  I'm doing well, feeling good and really still being very positive about everything I went through.

I'm back working part time at the radio station this summer, which I absolutely love.  I'm bummed out that i can't work this weekend though, because I can't drive!  But I'll be ready to go for next week.  I guess technically if I had a ride, I could work, it's not like doing radio cut ins are physically demanding.  I guess the biggest issue i'd have would be trying to get prizes from the trunk, and trying to close the darn thing.  Actually, that has been one of my biggest challenges since having my surgery, trunks are just really heavy and not having much of a pectoral muscle, makes closing them, difficult.

In about three weeks from now, I'm heading to Maine for my mom's family reunion and I'm really excited about it.  It will be so great to see my family and to just enjoy a week of relaxtion.  We are going to Point Sebago Resort.  The drive will be really long, but we'll manage and it's a part of the US that i've never seen before.  It means so much to me to see my mom's family because they are what I have left of my mom.  The best part is, the ENTIRE family will be there (well minus my husband Scott because he has been double booked for a work trip too).



Having some fun at a Detroit Tiger game. Comerica Park. May 24, 2011. 




Big Bike 2011. No I wasn't riding the bike, just out taking pictures. It's
bitter sweet not working at the Heart and Stroke anymore.





Until I got smaller

Well today was my first follow up appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I have been waiting for this day, since about the day after my surgery.  I went to London lastnight to visit with Terrie, and spent the night so I didn't have to get up early for the appointment.  I have not so hard in such a long time. I was in absolute tears we were having so much fun and laughing so hard.  We went to Dairy Queen and had a blizzard, and then went back to her house and did some Zumba.  I had to quit a little early because my arms were a little sore, but we had fun!  Oh the memories of high school! 

When I got to the hospital this morning, I was met by Nadia.  She is a research assistant helping Dr. Ross & Dr. Temple, two of the plastic surgeons.  I'm involved with this study they are conducting regarding "memory loss after a major reconstructive surgery"   There was earlier research that showed that people having cardiac surgery may have some memory loss, so they were doing the research with major reconstructive surgery.  Good news is, their theory is being proven wrong!   I did a test two weeks before my surgery, and then another test today.  I'll do another one at 3 months, 6 months and 1 year post surgery. I'm not really sure why they are testing the control group so close to surgery, because the more stressed you are, the more your memory doesn't function.  Now that my surgery is out of the way, I feel so much less stressed and can actually think a lot clearer.

The materials for tissue expander.  Thats saline
in those syringes.

I finally got called in about 9:45 (30 minutes waiting isn't too bad for this clinic.  I've waited 2 hours before).  The nurse came right in, and got things set up for the expansion. They were quite impressed it was my first follow up and I was feeling so good.  We talked for a few minutes, then she had me change and lay down.  Dr. Ross came in a few minutes later, and went through the whole process.  There is a metal piece on the expander and he uses a magnet to find the metal piece and them makes an X.  He then puts a needle into the metal plate (I have no feeling, so I don't feel any of it) and then injects the saline.  It's a weird feeling because you can feel the saline going in.  He injected 50cc's into the right side, but then decided that he was a little concerned that there was too much fluid sitting around the expander, and so he moved the needle, and then took out some fluid.  It was pretty gross, but I watched him do it. Needless to say, he put in 50cc's into the expander, but removed about 60cc's of fluid from around the expander, so I ended up with smaller boobs then when I went in!  Oh well, I go again next Wednesday, and hopefully then i'll see a change.  He said he can put in 75cc's at a time, so I will notice a difference each week. The process will take about 5 or 6 weeks, and then they wait a couple months before putting in the implants.  This could mean by the end of the summer, the process could be complete.  Then we talk about nipple reconstruction.

The magnet they use to find the metal in the
expander

The syringes after he removed the fluid

Immediately after the expansion

Mr.Monkey waiting patiently for the doctor

Find strength from within

Who would have thought just two weeks after surgery, i'd be feeling so good?  I don't think I ever could have imagined that i'd be out and about so quickly. The healing process has gone really well and I'm feeling really good.  I don't have any pain, it's more of a discomfort I'm feeling.  The left breast seems to be sitting really low, and is uncomfortable at the bottom.  The right breast seems to be pushing against my sternum and sometimes I get really sharp pains that last for just a few seconds, but it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope that I haven't done anything to shift them, and that it's normal what i'm feeling.  All of the bandages have now come off, and the steri strips came off yesterday.  The scar looks decent. It's a lot thinner than I thought it would be, the ends are a little thicker.  There seems to be a couple of stitches that need to be taken out, but I'll wait for my appointment with the doctor Monday.  If all goes well, that should be my first expansion day.  Then the fun begins!



Left side drooping. Right side is
into the sternum

 So during the last week, I've had a lot of time on my hands and i've done a lot of thinking.  It's funny that people use to always tell me how strong of a person I was, and that I could get through anything, and I'd listen to them say it, and never really truthfully believed them or really understood what they meant.  Yesterday, when I removed the steri strips, I looked in the mirror at the scars, and for the first time ever, I was able to say "Bevin, you are strong."  For me, that was a huge accomplishment.   I have scars all over my body, and as Matt said today "Scars tell stories" and I have a lot of stories to tell, but those stories have made me who I am.  They say that God only gives us what he knows we can handle, and apparently he has some belief that I can handle an awful lot.

St.Clair River

Sunday was Mother's Day, and like every year, it was a very hard day.  I got up in the morning, and went to church and the song selection that day, was nothing other than two of my favourite church songs that remind me of my mom, "On Eagles Wings" & "Amazing Grace."  At one point in the service, I started to cry.  Like literally the tears just started rolling, and for no good reason at all. I think I realized something that morning in church, and i'll come back to it after.  After church I came home, and picked up my little neighbor Aaliyah.  Every year for Mother's Day, I get the kids together, and do a craft of some sort for their mom.  Two years ago we made her a stepping stone for her garden, and last year we made cookies.  I sat in church this year and thought "wow, I completely forgot about the Mother's Day craft"  Must have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks.  Either way, I knew I couldn't let a Mother's Day pass by without doing something for their mom.  Aaliyah and I drove down the river to Riverhouse Gifts, a store that a former coworker of mine owns.  She put together a basket of goodies for us. Watching her shrink wrap the basket was probably the most exciting part of the day.  We stopped at the water on the way home.  I've never really had a way of honoring my mom on Mother's Day and then the other day a friend of mine gave me the idea of putting a flower in the water. When my mom died, we cremated her, and her ashes were scattered at the base of the lighthouse at Lighthouse Point in Connecticut, she loved the ocean.   Aaliyah and I walked to the waters edge and threw in the flower.  She saw the tears in my eyes, but didn't really say too much.  We just watched the flower float away for a little while, and then we walked away. When I got back home, Scott was still sleeping, and I sat down and texted to a friend.

 I wrote "I need a sledge hammer and something to hit...HARD.  I realized being at church this morning that I have so much anger inside of me about so many things.  I hate that my life has been so unfair... and now to deal with it" And in saying that, I felt such a sense of relief.  The first step to healing is admitting what is wrong.  I think for a long time I have just been angry about so many things, and I've never let myself deal with it.  You bandage wounds by putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Life hasn't dealt me the greatest hand of cards, but i've pulled myself along.  And going through this surgery, I was able to say "You know what God, you created me with this gene, to make me who I am, but i'm not going to let it take me.  I'm sticking up for me this time, and I hope that we can still be friends"  I'm a previvor, I underwent this surgery to make my life better.  So that I have a chance at living a long, healthy life and can be the best wife, the best mom, and the best friend that I can be.  I have found my inner strength, I know what I want in my life!

Heading out for a rollerblade

The rest of Mother's Day we spent at Scott's parents in Ridgetown.  It was great to feel the warm sun.  I went rollerblading & bike riding and just had a great afternoon in the fresh air.  I'm finally smiling now, and it feels so great! 

I did it!

**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**

This morning I woke up, after not sleeping very much and I decided that I needed to shower.  The nurse told me that it was okay, as long as I was able to put the dressings back on.  It's amazing the little things that are difficult to do after this surgery, but I knew I could do it.  I got myself undressed, got the shower running (which trying to pull the tap was probably the most difficult part) and finally was able to take a shower. It felt so good.  While I was in the shower, I had to brave the inevitable and remove the dressings that were on there.  It hurts a lot less when they are wet.  For the first time in a week, I saw the scars.  They are stitched, and there are steri strips holding them together, but really, they aren't too bad.  It was nice to clean the wounds.  When I got out of the shower, I could look in the mirror and get a good look at them.  A little shocking I guess, but not too bad.  I could actually feel them for the first time too.  That was weird!  The expanders are in, and they feel really weird.  Nothing like feeling plastic inside your boob.  One side seems to look different than the other, but the doctor did tell me to remember they are sisters, not twins.  I think that I'm okay with how they look.  Once the expansion process starts, they will change again.  The scars will heal.  I was able to wash my hair, dry it, and get myself dressed.  What a great feeling!

First time with bandages off.  Rt side is swollen
Lt side is normal.  The left expander is hanging a little



The Rt side with drain site bandage

 I have started to do a lot of online research since my surgery.  I guess I have the time now that I'm limited in what I can do.  I have found a lot of support groups online for women who carry BRCA genes & women who have gone through PBM's.  It really makes me feel good to read about other women in this same situation.  There is actually a term that they use to describe people that are at risk of cancer due to genetic dispositions called previvors.  It's interesting they have a term for it, but I guess it makes people feel they have a term.  Ironically before this week, i've never heard the term.  I also found a group called Force: Facing Our Risk thats in the US and they are all about hereditary breast & ovarian cancers.  I was very pleased to read their website and get a whole lot of great information.  I emailed the volunteer contact about setting up a group in Canada.  If I can share my story with other women, and can raise money for this organization, i'd feel like I was doing my part.  The link to the website is facingourrisk.org.  

My first day out

**WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT**

So the annoying drains that they put in after the mastectomy surgery came out yesterday, just five days after surgery.  The doctor's requisition said under 30 cc's or 5 days.  I was definately not at under 30 cc's, so I was happy he put in the 5 day mark.  A women I know, that has just undergone a mastectomy because she has been battling breast cancer, came and sat with me while the nurse removed the drains.  I'll be honest, it hurt like HELL!  Thank goodness the pain only lasts for a few seconds.   It was a very intense, burning/stinging kinda feeling.  Once the first one was out, I thought, oh damn, there is still another one!   But aside from the pain, those things were annoying and I'm so happy they are around.  The nurse bandaged up the holes where the drains were, and said she would return today to clean them up.  Well, apparently I heal very quickly and she was rather surprised that there wasn't any drainage that had leaked out, and the holes were already closed!  She called me the "super healer chick," which I thought was rather funny.  I guess my body is just ready for all of this right now.  I'm young, I'm healthy and I was mentally prepared for this surgery.

Hemovac drains

When the nurse was here today, she also changed the dressings from the breasts.  I've been very nervous to see them, and when I saw them, I kinda gasped. She kept saying they looked really tidy, but honestly, there is a huge line across my boob, that is being held together with steri strips and stitches and it looks a little ridiculous.  I'm quite content just keeping the bandages over them for the time being until they heal more.  I'm sure once the stitches come out, and it's cleaned up more, I'll be okay with it.  I'll take pictures and post them tomorrow when I finally get to take a shower.



The end of the hemovac hurts
the most when its being removed

 Good news though, I was able to get out in my car today and go for a drive!  Who would have ever thought that six days after surgery, I would be out driving?  I went to visit my coworkers, had lunch with a friend, and then came home.  My dad came to visit this afternoon and took me for dinner at the Olive Garden, my favorite.  I was almost ready to cancel on my dad because I was just so exhausted from the morning out, but I'm glad I went.  Tonight i'm feeling rather tired, and my body is really achy.  For a short while, I felt like I had a bit of a bug.  But I think it's just my body reminding me that I've just undergone major surgery and I need to rest.  Tomorrow I just plan to stay home, and relax.  I'm hoping for some sun at least, because all of the rain we have had, has been rather depressing.

They say that when you are put under and anasthetic, it sometimes makes changes to your body.  A lot of people talk about how their hair feels gross, or their cycles change, or whatever.  Honestly, I can say that I haven't had any of these things happen at all.  My hair was just fine, and my cycle still remained clockwork (maybe thats the reason i'm not feeling so well today).  I really had a great doctor for this surgery, and he knew what he was doing. 

One cool thing that I can share with women who are planning to have PBM's is something called a Breast Binder.  I had never heard of them before my surgery, and when I woke up I was wearing one.  When you come out of surgery, they will wrap your chest very tightly with a bandage or whatever.  This pressure that is on your chest, saves you from lots of pain.  In fact, when the nurse tries to remove the pressure, it hurts really bad.   I woke up wearing this thing called a breast binder, and I can highly recommend that you ask for one.  It looks like a tube top.  Mine is blue and has flowers on it.  It has velcro in the front of it to do it up. It was specifically designed by a breast surgeon, and what is so fantastic about it, is that I can wear it around and it just looks like i'm wearing a shirt.  It even came with straps so I can make it a tank top, rather than a tube top.  I've talked to a lot of women who have had this surgery, and none of them have used the breast binder before, but admit it would have been nice.  Saves you from being wrapped in bandages.  The website for the company that makes them is http://www.eabmedical.com/ and they are based out of California.  It might be wise to ask your surgeon if they have them before your surgery, and if you would benefit from one.  It's just a nicer, more appealing dressing then gauze. I've asked around here, and no one seems to carry them.  I might try and get some for the hospitals in our area, because they are so great!

Truth of the Matter

It has been a long couple of days.  This journey that I'm on is an emotional one and I don't think I could have ever prepared for everything i'm feeling on this recovery process.  Truth be told, I think the one feeling that I've felt the most is lonliness.  I can't believe how lonely this experience has been, and it makes me really miss my mom.  I feel like I don't have anyone to be here with me, to take care of me and to hold my hand.  Mom's do that for us, and she's not here, so i'm relying on friends.  Everyone around sends messages that they are thinking about me, and praying for me, but nothing really compares to those visits and the phone calls that help to make me not feel so alone.  Scott goes off to work each day, and I've spent the days alone.  Friday night, Scott went out with friends and didn't come home.  A friend came to visit for a couple hours and we had a great visit and a great cry.  But the overnight hours, I was alone.  There is nothing like trying to get myself up in the middle of the night when I have to go to the bathroom, and not having anyone here to help if I needed it.  Truth is, I can do it by myself, but what if anything happened?   He didn't come home until late this afternoon.  The nurse had already been in to change my dressings (which was a whole other emotional issue)  and we had a house full of kids playing when he got here.  He was tired from having been out, then grumpy because he had been drinking, and guess who took the brunt of the anger?  Me. 



My stuffed monkey from Trevor.
There for hugs, all the time.

 I had an argument today with a really good friend of mine, and I was really upset about it and it was really making me me sick, which at this point, isn't a good thing.  I was talking about how friends are supposed to be there for us and help us out when we need them.  It seems like when I need people most, they aren't there.  They have other plans, other commitments, other priorities.  I guess I just figured that going through something like this, people would be here for me.  We can see our friends anytime, but when friends are going through hard times, it's when we need them the most and i'd hope they could be there for us.  After the argument I decided that I wasn't backing down.  I'm going to learn it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to expect that friends will be there for us, to support us and love us, and to understand that sometimes things aren't fair.  

I'm exhausted, I'm emotional and I'm in a whole lot of pain, but I know that I've done this for a good reason. In some of my weak moments I ask the question "why I did this?".  I wonder if holding off on the surgery would have been a better idea.  I guess no time is a good time, but maybe I should have made sure I had more supports in place before I went through with it.  Truth of the matter, you can't go through this alone.  This whole decision, this whole process is very draining, both physically and mentally and if I can tell you one thing, don't ever try to do it alone.  Make sure those people around you, are commited to being your shoulder to cry on and hands to hold before you try and take on this surgery head on.

Surgery went well

Justin, Dad, Me & Leah

Brooke & Me

Well, i'm alive.  The surgery went really well and i'm home recovering now. Honestly, I thought I would be in a lot more pain after such a surgery, but i'm not really.  The drain sites are starting to get really itchy, and I can't wait for the nurse to get here to change the dressing.  I'm really hoping she will be able to take the drains out today or tomorrow because they are rather annoying.  Otherwise, the expanders are a little uncomfortable feeling, but I can't complain because I thought it would be a whole lot worse.

Siblings. Justin, Me & Leah

My surgery was at 9am yesterday, and they were right on time.  The breast surgeon is actually on maternity leave right now, but came in to do my surgery.  It was the first time I actually heard the plastic surgeon laugh.  He is a pretty monotone guy, but when I said to him before the surgery "don't ruin me" he actually laughed and said he would take good care of me.  So far things look good.  It's really weird looking down and it's just flat, but there is a little bit of a bump there.  Right now it's all bandaged up, so I'll be able to tell more when they come off in a few days.   The darn nurse who put in my IV really killed my hand.  Thankfully, they noticed it wasn't in right, so they moved it while I was in surgery.  I've had IV's before and I knew it wasn't supposed to hurt that bad.  Honestly, it was probably the most painful thing all day.   I woke up from surgery at about 12 noon, and apparently was in a lot of pain.  Apparently asking for friends was more important to me then drinking apple juice. They gave me more morphine and I went back off to sleep.  I guess I was pretty agitated and distressed, but after I woke up more, I was feeling fine.  They were quite impressed that I didn't need more pain medicine.  Actually I've done pretty well with pain control.  It's more discomfort that i'm feeling than anything else. When I move certain ways, I can feel the expanders inside me, and that's a little akward.  I'm quite impressed though that I can lift my hands over my head and pull myself up.  I'm not able to lay down flat, but I knew going into the surgery that I wouldn't be able to do that for a little while.  I'm sleeping at night in a lazy boy chair, and even though it's not overly comfortable, I'm managing. 

Leah, Scott, Justin, Brooke and I. Right
after surgery

My mom's friend Pat came and stayed with me for the day today.  She was such a great help.  We had a great chat and she was so wonderful and made dinner for us tonight. The nurse was in today to change my dressings and she was actually really pleased with the look of the wounds.  She said she has never seen a mastectomy that wasn't bruised at all, and there is absolutely no swelling.  The doctor did a great job.  I go back to see the surgeon on May 17th to start the expansion process.  I don't think the whole emotional side of this surgery has really hit me yet, and I know that is probably still to come.  I've had a lot of emails from friends and family who are praying for me, and sending positive thoughts, so that helps to make me feel better.  And my former coworkers at the radio station sent me a huge fruit basket today, which was a wonderful surprise.   Time for some rest now, it's been a long day.

Day 1. Drains are in. Breast Binder
still on.